I turned 40 this year. Our little girl is almost 2 years old. I’m expecting our second little miracle.
For much of the first part of our marriage I was aching and cramping and crying away the days for a little person of our own. Some months the pain was overwhelming. On many others it was a distant wish I succeeded in tempering with hope and faith.
I wonder if you’re granted the amazing gift of insight only later in life for a reason. One thing I am very grateful for is the fact that I kept on choosing to get up after I fell. Get up, shake off the dust, keep going, keep believing. If there is ever one thing I now feel got me through those times, it would be an unshakable hope and belief in the yearning that God placed in my heart.
I’ve never told anybody this, but when I was in the hospital after birthing Kira, I looked down on that perfect little face, and I was suddenly a little scared. I kept replaying the movies we watched where the main character would go on a rampage of revenge, and then succeeds, and then has nothing but emptiness left… what if, now that I had my little person, I would be left with emptiness and without a life purpose (yes, you can laugh! I clearly had no idea what was coming).
Thing is, I wasn’t completely wrong. Yes, my priorities changed monumentally. Yes, I had one thing on my to-do list for the better part of a year: “keep her alive”. But as soon as she could, she became fiercely independent and I was facing that same fear from the hospital all over again. I somehow wonder now if this was a subconscious driving force for the decision to get pregnant again.
One thing is certain this time around though. I know that this little person is perfectly capable of surviving without me around him 24/7. I also started trusting my support system a lot more. I have had time to ask myself what I’d like to do and have plans for my life, apart from raising little people. For the first time in all of my 40 years on earth, I understand that I can make myself happy, fulfilled, even excited about my OWN future.
Life really does begin at 40. What an awesome time to be alive! I am deeply grateful for being allowed to get this old. I hope after the next 40, I can reinvent myself again.