I’ll just get right to it:

Last night I prayed that our night will be calm (for all 4 of us). I also prayed that Kira will wake up in a good mood and Luca will sleep. I prayed that Jaco will get to REST and be ready for the week. I somehow left myself out.

Kira did wake up well. Luca…kind of slept better than the previous 4 nights. Kira did get into my side of the bed at 02:41. Luca just finished nursing around 02:30. He wasn’t really back to sleep yet, but I knew Jaco would help and slide over to calm him if he woke up. I picked her up and carried her back to her bed and as usual lay down to sleep with her until she settled.

This wasn’t the bad part. This has been the ritual for quite a couple of nights. I actually woke up feeling sore, but fine. Kira woke up well, as I said before. Let me explain the morning:

We had a good morning. She’s a little slimy right now so I give her some meds before school. Somehow I looked somewhere else for a bit and she ejected the whole syringe of meds into the air and all of it landed in my clean hair (I actually took a shower last night). I wasn’t angry at her. I was irritated, as the one thing I hate more than ironing, is washing my hair.

Then, Luca was supposed to eat around 05:30 (we leave the house around 06:15). If he does so, the schedule continues as normal. Since yesterday he has been apposing said schedule with utmost vigour. I was ready to try and feed before we leave. He was indeed hungry, but also fussy. The few sips he took did not last beyond the driveway. He screamed and fussed all the way to Kira’s school, where I needed to try and drop off a clingy toddler after trying to use the time in the car to set a positive mood for her day. I really did well under the circumstances. She cried anyway as I left her there. I know by now she stops fast after I left and really enjoys the day. So I tried to reset my mood once more.

I pushed off with Luca in the pram from Kira’s class to the car. My bladder needed tending. I was going to sign Kira in at the register in front and quickly use the bathroom before loading Luca. No sooner were we in front (where there was suddenly no personnel to be seen) when he started howling a heart-throbbing cry). I signed her in and resolved to use the bathroom at home.

I pushed him out in the pram, got to the car, locked the wheels. The pram was stationary as I unlocked the car, opened the door and lifted the baby seat from the travel system, Luca secured in it. As I swung him towards the cradle in the car, the pram started rolling backwards towards the road, where MULTIPLE parents are hurtling towards their various destinations. I literally through Luca (in his seat) into the cradle and jumped towards the speeding pram, catching it just as the front wheels hit the road. This was the final straw.

At the same speed, I leaped back towards a now-screaming-even-loader-(didn’t-think-it-was-possible)-Luca and made sure he was indeed okay and not injured and the seat was secured in the cradle. An objective part of me realised that I had no control of my reactions anymore. My grown-up side tried to calm down my frantic child but failed spectacularly as she threw the folded pram into the boot of the car, herself into the driver seat and drove off with a still screaming baby.

9minutes have never felt this long…no I’m lying. Nothing beets a treadmill-HIIT-minute. I know this from experience. But when we get to heaven and God tells me I burnt a good 2000kCals in that trip home, I would not be surprised.

Breakfast was snowball Whispers, a chocolate Twinky and 2 rusks with a second cup of plunger coffee. Yes, I did get to pee. Not sure when. Yes, I eventually hanged over the kitchen sink to try and wash the sticky goop from my hair. It is now 11:11 and I am waiting for Luca to wake up.

My grown-up side did eventually get the handle on my child…after I vomited all of my negativity over my husband…twice.

I’m not sure what to say to him. We’ve been together for 19 years and I feel utterly guilty for all the bitter negativity he has had to digest from me in the last 2 months. We have been talking, we are trying to deal with it, but sleep deprivation, circumstances and an unseasonably hot summer is throwing me with tolerance tests we can ill afford right now.

What’s getting to me is that even though this was just one day, I know that there are no promises of tomorrow (or even tonight) being better. If I were to look at myself as a battery, the charge I do get during the night is not enough anymore and we will have to explore nuclear energy to fill the gap HAHAHAHA…yes. Solar’s not gonna cut it.

I love my kids. I love and miss Jaco sooooo much right now. What I am choosing to focus on is that this is temporary (even if “temporary” means “only for the next year”). Yes, I will have to adjust my parameters for a successful or completed day and I will have to find alternative energy sources. I’ve read that a problem is half-solved when you’ve at least identified it. I also know that I have survived much worse in my life to date. I know I can do this, I just don’t want to hurt the people I love while I figure out how.

Jaco, Kira, Luca: you peeps are my tribe. I love you and I apologise for the chaos. We’ll get the happy medium. I promise. Mommy’s working on it.

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