There have been many times in lockdown I have thought about this. Every time I wanted to write about it, but either the time was naught or the words escaped me. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to properly word it today, but that won’t stop me now.
The isolation has provided me with much time to listen to audio books and do micro-introspection of my reactions and behaviours. I have re-listened to both “The power of Now” and “A new earth” by Eckhart Tolle. The first time I read them was when I was pregnant with Kira. This time around they have even deeper insights to provide. I know I will listen to both of them again in the future.
From this new point of view I found that I started seeing my children and my husband differently. Other people as well. My approach seem to be less harsh and there is suddenly a vast amount of grace in my understanding of their action, reactions and choices. I just love them. I don’t expect them to be anything other than who and what they are.
This is not what I wanted to write about, but I needed to say it to frame what will come now:
I’ve been really enjoying Kira. Yes, she is very close to three and forming her little ego as we go along. She is becoming very invested in finding her identity and it seems she already needs it to be the best of all she knows. I do believe that we do this when we are tiny and then spend the rest of our lives unlearning this. You are not your abilities, your knowledge or your form. You are you. Your true you sits deep inside of you, waiting quietly for you to find it. It is not better or more. It is not any adjective you can think of. It just is. And it’s perfect. HAHAHAHA okay, use that adjective.
Whenever Kira is looking for something to do we would make suggestions like kicking the ball together or colouring or building puzzles. When she draws I try to suggest that she draws something for me. According to her teachers she should have enough control of her hands by now to focus on drawing actual recognisable things. She doesn’t seem to have any interest in this. I wanted to worry about it, until something occurred to me: what if kids draw what they see? And what if they don’t see what we see? What if they see energy fields, and not the forms of things? What if Kira IS drawing me a bird, but I’m not recognising it anymore because I only see form?
A lot around our parenting is letting our kids develop at their own pace. I don’t mind that she can’t draw the form of things to me yet. I was very amused at myself for wanting her to be able to do this by now. What if she’s right? What if I’m wrong?
Thinking this, I was playing a game with her outside as we sometimes do in the afternoon. She asks me to tell her to do something and she then very dramatically performs for me. I would ask her to walk like a crab, and she does (so cute!). Then she needs to walk like a very heavy elephant, and she does. I asked her to fly like a bird, and she stopped dead in her motions, turned around to look at me and said ” I can’t. I can’t fly”. I actually teared up. I wanted to grab her and hug that thought out of her. No Kira, don’t lose your wonder! Don’t lose your imagination my Love! You CAN fly! You are already flying!
There isn’t a way you can explain the pangs and aches of a mother’s heart when she seas her kids grow into the dead adults we already are. I want her to keep seeing in full colour and vibrant motion. I want her to keep believing in wondrous things and energy fields and chakras and inner light. I want her to not think like we do. I want her to be better. I want her to keep what she has. Why does it feel like she’s learning new things and losing more than we know?
I feel extremely inept at teaching her this. I’m finding out how to do this myself, only now, at forty-one. For all we know children are born knowing more than we think. They already understand “enlightenment” (if you want to give it a name). This world teaches them otherwise. It taught us otherwise. I believe Jesus knew this when He said “be like a small child”. They worry about nothing. Not food or where it will come from, or clothes, or money for bills, or bath times, or brushing your teeth, or salaries, or titles and accolades, or brand of cars, or location of our homes… until we teach them otherwise.
Lord, please help me guide them to keep what they already know. Guide me to relearn everything I forgot.